Aries (March 21 — April 19)
Aries are always ready to call it like it fucking is, and so is Kristin Gillibrand. From being one of the first to tell Al Franken, “boy bye,” to going off the party script and declaring that Bill Clinton should have resigned during the Lewinsky scandal, y’all are both ready to burn some shit down and I am here for it.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20)
Sweet. Gooey. Fiercely committed to economic equality. Is it an eclair at a Taurus’s favorite socialist bakery or is it Bernie Sanders? It’s both!
Taureans love a lavish thing, and what’s more opulent than running for president a second time around when your first campaign was used as a Trojan horse by Russians to fan the flames of the split between moderate and radical Democrats in order to elect an incompetent misogynist. (What? I’m sorry?? Did I say something??)
Gemini (May 21 — June 20)
Elizabeth Warren because everyone is ready to throw an insult at her when she is prepared to stand up for YOUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS AND FIGHT BIG BUSINESS EVERY GODDAMN DAY EVEN THOUGH YOU KEEP MAKING ALL THESE MEAN MEMES.
(To be fair though, you’re both so driven by external validation that you regularly make an ass of yourself, so you do a pretty good job of setting up the joke for everyone else even though all you want is their approval.)
Cancer (June 21 — July 22)
Shops local. Loves dogs. Has a great butt. Is it every Cancer I know? Or is it Democratic presidential candidate Peter Buttegieg? Cancers know you’d love to get a good cry in watching America’s first openly gay president take office, ya big softies.
Leo (July 23 — August 22)
Who has an enigmatic personality, killer social media presence, excellent public speaking capabilities, and a bit of a God complex? Your fave fiery Leo and our Cali queen Kamala Harris!
Virgo (August 23 — September 22)
Have you met Cory Booker, my Virgo pals? I think you would love him. He’s a vegan and a committed exerciser AND he’s dating Rosario Dawson!! Man is committed to progressive reforms, being the very best he can be (just like your Type A ass) AND HE’S DATING ROSARIO DAWSON. (And thank god he is dating an actual human person because maybe he’ll finally stop making all those lame tweets about “dating coffee,” which is also a Virgo thing since y’all love to let us know how hard you work all the time.)
Libra (September 23 — October 22)
Extremely diplomatic. Never shies away from some hot gossip. Just has to SCREAM at the world about how much they love their partner. Is it every Libra I adore? Or is it Democratic presidential candidate PETER BUTTEGIEG!!!
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)
Who’s ready to snip snip some backward-ass tax policies designed to serve the one percent? Definitely Scorpios and definitely Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. AOC has said repeatedly that she has not and will not run for president but if anyone could change her tune it’s some Scorpio dark fucking magic. I’ve seen Scorpios get their way in unpractical scenarios plenty of times simply because others were afraid of their wrath. This should be no different.
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)
Who loves being charming, miserably failing at one thing, and then completely throwing themselves into a new project the next day? It’s your dearest Sagittarius pal AND Texas cutie Beto O’Rouke!
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)
You know these fuckers are stoked that Joe Biden is running because nothing pleases a Capricorn like more of the same shit. You and Uncle Joe can ride off into the sunset together and have fun not smoking any pot on the way there. (JK JoJo we still love you for accidentally stumbling the Obama administration’s way into legalizing marriage equality and for looking s i c k in a pair of aviators. But please stop running for President!!)
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)
Intensely thoughtful. Slightly mysterious. sO uNiQuE. Is it every Aquarian I’ve ever met or is it DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE PETER BUTTEGIEG???!!!
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Andrew Yang’s campaign slogan is “Humanity First” and if you are a Pisces then you probably agree that that is really fucking hot. He’s pretty freaked out about our impending robot domination, which is an anxiety sinkhole that I’m sure many gentle, worried Pisces has fallen into before. Yang Gang, my little fishies. 🤙🏼🤙🏼
PAID FOR BY ASTROLOGERS FOR AMERICA
This list only covers Democratic candidates because our friends on the right know that horoscopes are a tool invented by George Soros as a code to scramble parts of Hillary’s emails that disclose what ACTUALLY happened in Benghazi. This amateur astrologer does not endorse Peter Buttegieg for President he is simply the most memeable candidate at this time.